Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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