He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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