i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
