dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
