dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
