Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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