Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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