Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
