I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
