Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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