I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
