Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
