Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Im part way to drunk.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
