i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
we're so committed to being not committed
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
