I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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