I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
