babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
