i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
