My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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