she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
