but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
