Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
