so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
