Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
