dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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