He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
