I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You don't make any sense
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