One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
