so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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