at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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