Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
