He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
