he thought i was a dude.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
