You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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