It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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