Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
His nipple licking is glorious
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
