why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
