best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
