oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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