Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
