Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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