with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
