I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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