she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
