I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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