i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
