nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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