I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
