My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
