I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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