I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
