the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
