I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
