On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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