She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
